I recently had a very weird week.
It started off normal, I went to work and did what I did all the weeks before, I sold shoes, attended people in the store, cleaned it, etc, came home to find myself tired as fuck and went to bed. I did this routine with not much trouble, everyday a little different.
Some weeks ago, though, I began filling up my time with things that interested me: web comics and cool stories, blog posts of people I admire and all sorts of internet goodies.
Soon enough, I realized I had a much better time reading the comics and blogs than I ever did attending people and selling shoes.
This simple act of using my spare time to focus on things that I liked brought me to the realization that I wanted to fill up my DAY with things that I liked a lot more than what I was currently doing.
So started a very weird week for me.
It began by me feeling my body rejecting the store. Yes, my body let me know before my mind had comprehended that I didn’t want to work there anymore.
The rejection of being there led me to feeling sick inside and I began to feel ill. I was, indeed, ill. I had a few days off from work because I felt I couldn’t do anything. I barely got out of bed and spent my days watching my favorite tv series of all times: Friends.
I was sick, though, not because I didn’t want to work anymore, but because I felt GUILTY for it. I felt so bad, so bad for not being there that I became physically ill. My immune system went down and I felt like shit.
The feeling of “guilt” had struck me and it made a hole inside my chest and stomach. I felt I was wrong for wanting to quit. I felt guilty for feeling sick, I felt guilty for not getting out of bed. I was deep in self hate at that point.
It took me days to realized guilt was making me sick.
It took me days to realize I didn’t allow myself to feel sick and to need nurture and help.
Took me days to feel just how bad I was actually feeling.
I was only able to move out from those feelings of guilt and hopelessness after I spent some time with the actual bad feelings inside.
Carl Jung, said “What we resist persists”, so, I went inside myself to try and feel those feelings that were eating me up, as my spiritual guru Teal Swan teaches here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3V_Gtfr_YA
The feelings were so strong I couldn’t dive deep in one try. I was able to release resistance to it, though, which is basically stop going to war with what we feel trying to make it go away.
Only that was enough for me to wake up in the next day completely different.
I opened up to my mom and told her I felt like I couldn’t do anything right and that I felt lost. I opened up to my boyfriend and said I was tired of having things not working out for me. I felt hopeless and tired, as if the world was against me, but talking to them helped me realize I had good reason for wanting to quit the job. I had realized I wanted to fill my days focusing on things that make me feel good and see where THAT takes me.
In the end, before this sickness I hadn’t realized I spent many of my days pressuring myself down to get things done and do what I “should” be doing, instead of what I WANT to do. This is the recipe to illness, stress and unhappiness. I had no idea I felt so stuck in many thought patterns of guilt, pressure and sadness.
I felt isolated in my misery. I believed for the longest of times that I needed to do everything on my own and that I would have nobody by my side to help ME when I needed.
I’ve had these hurtful thoughts and beliefs entrained in my mind for YEARS.
Thanks to this illness I was able to look at them and realize what I’d rather believe and live in my life.
I’d rather believe I have help and nurture when I need it. I’d rather believe I have support and that my wellbeing is more important than any job in the world. I’d rather believe I can take care of my emotional self and be kind to it.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to leave this message with the feeling that this is the answer to all things and that we’re done looking for answers in our lives. I know I will have a lot of integrating to do. The affirmations I wrote a few lines above about what I WANT for my life that I discovered because of this weird ill week, may take years to sink in and for me to truly feel like I own in my life.
Those particular thought patterns that hurt me so much in the past are coming up for the first time to my consciousness and that is the very first step to improve my life for the better.
Healing really is a wonderful path to take. Allowing the negative feelings to be felt inside ourselves may just be the answer we’ve been asking for to feel better and stronger. Showing our inner selves we’re here for them and showing ourselves our love may just be the answer to our blockages and illnesses that appear in course. Because after all, we are all ALIVE and while we’re alive there’s always new things to learn about ourselves, may it be completely new or a pattern that’s been with you since you can perceive yourself as a person and that has newly come to your awareness.
It was a strong revelation for me, to have my body, mind and spirit rejuvenate like that from the act of looking inside and being present with the bad feeling. I truly felt it changed where the illness was taking me, which was a lot like depression, I must say.
I hope I can keep being a good pal to me and that my dog days are over. Well, if a dog day appears, I’ll have a better shot at being a good pal to myself because of this experience.
I hope this helps you in a bad day/week/month/year too.
We’re all in this together,